There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
