phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize