New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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