were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Randomize
