Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
