I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize