I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize