Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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