so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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