this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
