I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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