I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
