When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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