Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
