Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
