my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
