Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize