So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
