Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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