I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
