You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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