Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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