I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
