Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
