i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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