Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
