I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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