The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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