I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I have aggressive nipples.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
