so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
