I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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