i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
