I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
