What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize