I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
