Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
