make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
