Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
