Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
