Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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