THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
