Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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