Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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