does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
