If that was your dad, he is hot
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
