My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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