I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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