so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
