So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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