I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
