In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
