I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Text me some of your sweat
How naked do you want me to be?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
