I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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