Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
