that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
