god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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