Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
