My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
