I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize