dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
