I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
